Some Humor...

[gopherhockey]

Ok, its cold enough outside that I think it is time to start posting some humor. If you have anything humorous but not dirty or offensive.. (well, as least offensive as you be anyway) feel free to post.

Here are some thoughts:

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

In the USA, how come they choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

How can there be SELF help "groups"?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?


Ok.. your turn... :laugh:

[gopherhockey]

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Friend: Someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

One man's fish is another man's poisson.

"Humour is a rubber sword--it allows you to make a point without drawing blood."

A boy was asked what he had done on the weekend. He explained, "Sunday I went to the circus, because one of us kids had to take Dad!"

MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: Naïve.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again."

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

The terrorists are trying to end racism by killing everyone other than Muslims.

Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.

[gopherhockey]

40 THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A REDNECK SAY (I apologize to anyone offended by redneck jokes)

--

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C: drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You All.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And, Number ONE is . . .

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.